It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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