dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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