This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
