Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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