Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
