Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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