Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The power of my boobs compel you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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