Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
