Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
