dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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