Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Michael Bay diarrhea
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
