Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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