just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
