i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
