I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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