Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
