Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
