so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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