as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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