i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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