Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
