One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
