I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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