thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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