Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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