you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
