FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
