I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
honey bunches of taint.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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