It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
