she takes plan B like it's going out of style
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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