its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
