If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you had me at cake vodka
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
