The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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