actually, I'm a sock model
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
