Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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