Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
