I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
