Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Acid is not a monday night drug
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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