and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
