The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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