I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
