i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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