oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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