My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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