Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
