Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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