guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
