watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Bring me that man meat
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
