Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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