I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
